Hard To Say Goodbye
by nashaeexo
Summary: AU secrets are revealed and Mercedes and Puck are forced to go through some really hard times. WARNING! THIS ONE SHOT IS TOUGH ONE. If reading sad stories isn't your thing feel free to breeze past this. No harm, no foul.


_**WARNING! THIS ONE SHOT IS ONE OF THE SADDEST THAT I HAVE WRITTEN. IF YOU DON'T DO SAD THEN DO NOT READ THIS. SOME OF MY INSPIRATION FOR THIS WAS A TYLER PERRY PRODUCTION(WHY DID I GET MARRIED). THOSE THAT DO DECIDE TO READ IT I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT. AND IF YOU DON'T THAT'S COOL TOO. JUST LEAVE REVIEWS ON WHAT YOU LIKED, DIDN'T LIKE, AND HOW I COULD MAKE THE NEXT ONE BETTER. I CAN ONLY GET BETTER IF YOU LET ME KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG, OR RIGHT FOR THAT MATTER. SO ENJOY!**_

It's been five months, 151 days to be exact, since Mercedes has had to go through one of, if not the hardest thing she's ever experienced in all of her twenty-eight years of living. And although everyone is constantly telling her the same thing over and over, you know what you'd normally expect hear when people are in mourning; you know that things get better with time or time heals all wounds, but she's not really sure that it's true anymore. To anyone, five months is a really long time, but it clearly isn't nearly enough to grieve the loss of someone, seeing as how Mercedes still hasn't been able to deal with it. It's been extremely hard on her. Who would expect her to just be okay, anyone to be okay when they've lost what has become the sparkle in their eye, the pep in their step, . Of course, when anyone asks her how she is, she lies and says she's fine, but anyone who knows who she truly is can see past the facade, she's not okay. Anyone who's ever experienced what she has experienced knows that she can't possibly be okay. Not in the least bit. She hasn't been okay since that day and unless she faces it, she never will be.

Prior to the tragedy Mercedes had been a very happy person; loving, caring, bubbly, just an overall pleasure to be around. There was no reason for her not to be. Signed to Columbia Records, owning a total of 5 Grammys, her career was definitely taking off. There was so much she had accomplished that many only ever dream of. Happily married and the mother of a beautiful three-year old boy, Josiah, everything was coming along just right for her and Mercedes couldn't think of anything that could make things any more great. She had everything she could have ever wanted. But as she sat alone in the center of the California King bed, surrounded by pictures of the most important human being in her life, she can't help the tears that filled her eyes from cascading down her face. From the moment it happened she knew. She knew once she opened her eyes in the back of the ambulance as they rushed them to the hospital. However, she had hope. Hope that this wouldn't be their fate because there was no way in hell that God would do this to them, to her. She'd always done right by him, her family and friends, and herself. She paid her dues and worked hard for everything in her life. Nothing had ever been handed to her on a silver platter. She may have come from a family who were a lot better off than many, she still had to work just as hard, if not harder to get where she is today and although she wasn't one of those people who believed that one should be rewarded for every good thing they've done, she did believe that no good deed goes unrewarded. She was blessed and as long as she kept doing what it was that she was supposed to do, she would be just fine.

She still remembers the day she found out that she was pregnant with her first child with her husband Noah Puckerman. She was more than enthusiastic and the look on Noah's face when she told him, or rather when he figured out after finding the many positive pregnancy tests she had taken, in the garbage can located in their bathroom. He had been overjoyed. Mercedes had just finished a sold out show in NYC at the Apollo, there were 3 stops left on her tour and she planned to tell Noah once they got back to their home in LA. Noah had been off and on the tour with her, mainly off producing records, but he made sure to be available anytime his wife needed him to help calm her down and set her straight. They were finally in a place where they felt they could bring a baby into the world and not only provide all the love and care in the world, but all the financial support that comes along with having a baby.

Mercedes had gone through almost all of the stages. The excitement that comes when you find out you're pregnant (when you are ready to have a baby), the tears of overwhelming happiness you shed when you hear your babies heartbeat, the excitement that comes along with finding out the sex of your baby, followed by the joy you get when you feel the kick of your unborn child. She'd gotten the chance to experience the joyous pain that is giving birth, and after being in labor for a grueling 26 hours, she gave birth baby Josiah Asher Puckerman. Her favorite moments were replaced by the first words her son ever spoke, which she reveled in the fact that it was "mama" and not "dada", it was, however, his second. Looking over all the pictures of Jojo, as she called him, that surrounded her, it hit her again, like a ton of bricks. She would never be able to hear the cries or the laughter of her son again. She would never be able to hear his voice or the pitter patter of her son's feet across the hardwood floors. He would often call for her in the middle of the night when he got scared. And what she wouldn't give to hold him in her arms as held wrapped his small arms around her neck as he sang along the best he could to whatever song she'd chosen to sing to him that night right before she tucked him into his bed, only to hear a knock on her door twenty minutes later, with a sleepy yet teary eyed three-year old and stuffed monkey. Josiah had been scared of the dark and even though the couple had done everything they possibly could to get him to sleep in his own bed like get him a night light, and hang glow in the dark decorations, he only napped in his own room during the day. At night, he'd always find his way into his parents' bed. They'd got tired of trying to keep him out and eventually ended up leaving their bedroom door open for him.

_I never knew I could hurt like this_

_And everyday life goes on like_

_I wish I __could talk to you for a while_

_Miss you but I __try not to cry_

_As time goes by_

_And it's true __that you've reached a better place_

_Still I'd give __the world to see your face_

_And I'm right __here next to you_

_But it's like __you're gone too soon_

_Now the hardest __thing to do is say bye-bye_

But as time went on things change and he blamed her. Although he had never flat out told her, he blamed her for the death of their son but had tried his hardest to be there for her through this rough time in their lives. It was in their vows: good or bad, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. There was nothing he'd rather be doing more other than being there for his wife, but Mercedes had turned that task from slightly difficult to completely impossible. He had grown so much hatred for her since they buried Josiah that he could no longer bear to sleep in the same room with her. She'd figured he was just sick and tired of her constantly crying and bringing down the mood. Noah had decided to take up residence in his 'man cave', spending most of his time locked up in the basement, only leaving when he slept in the guest bedroom, down the hall from the one he shared with his wife. For a while he avoided her like the plague but managed to keep up as if nothing happened, as if nothing was happening in front of their loved ones because she didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to relive the tragedy over and over and over again. Thoughts of the love she once had made her depressed and any day she didn't spend locked up in her room crying her eyes out or breaking things because of God's will, he would chalk up to a "good day".

No one would ever find out what lay underneath, gilded, until one night. They were out of town vacationing with a couple of friends. They had been doing a lot better lately. The room was filled with the sound of laughter and the sobs of tears. Laughter from old stories and jokes that were being told and tears that came from the aching that occurred when laughing too hard. Noah sat at the head of the table in the home he shared with his wife, surrounded by a group of their closest friends. A beer in one hand while the other gently caressed the legs of his wife who had just changed out of her jeans into one of his t-shirts and a pair of sweat shorts and was now comfortably settled in his lap. With one of her arms draped around his neck, he whispered dirty things in her ear as he licked, flicked and nibbled on her earlobe. His hand traveled up her thigh and he let his finger gently glide across her and grabbed her core, giving it a squeeze. She bit down on her bottom lip hard to suppress a moan, crossing her legs tight to stop herself from grinding against his hand. She swapped his chest and he looked up at her, his face never faltering.

"Cut it out!" she spoke through gritted teeth and he smirked that devilish smirk of his. "I'm serious Noah." she warned, and settled when his hands moved back to the outer part of her thighs.

They had been so engrossed with each other they hadn't noticed the conversation in front of them taking a turn for the worst until it was far too late to steer it in another direction. Something about cheating and giving someone and STD, luckily it was curable. Then there was something about a cheating husband, Mercedes hadn't been able to make out everything but what struck her the most was what had come out about her not so perfect husband and their not so perfect family. She moved to get up from his lap but he held his arm firmly causing her to sit back down.

"Get off of me." She said lowly as tears began to burn her eyes, but she fought to keep them from falling.

Noah made no sudden moves. He stiffened his arm and held onto her together and he hoped no one heard her. But from the look on everyone's eyes he could tell that it was just wishful thinking. They'd definitely heard her demand and were now looking at the two of them to see what would happen next. "Cedes, let's just talk about it."

"Get. Off." she growled as she attempted to get up again with no such luck.

"We can talk about this-"

"Go to hell." she glared at him smacking his hands away as she stormed upstairs to pack her bags finally allowing the tears to fall from her face.

Noah sat in the chair with his head in his hands as everyone murmured, their eyes averting back and forth from him to where Mercedes had disappeared from. "Fuck!" he finally screamed knocking several things off of the table as he got up to follow her upstairs.

A bunch of "see what you done did?" and "it's all your fault. Why'd you open up your mouth?" filled the room in his wake.

When he reached the top of the stairs and peered into the room he could see lots of movement back and forth. He opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind him. Mercedes had been throwing clothes out of drawers and shoes out of closets into suitcases.

"Mercedes I-" he started and took a step closer to her but quickly cut him off.

"Don't. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I just want you to take me home." she huffed zipping up the last of her suitcase and sitting it by the door.

"Fine." he said softly as he moved to the closet to pack is bags as well. "We'll leave in the morning." He looked to Mercedes who had moved into the huge chair that sat alone by the \ window and curled up into a ball where she fell asleep.

Morning came all too soon with the realization of a great trip gone horribly wrong. Each couple said their farewells with the other well. Once she had gotten everyone Mercedes hoped in the car and avoided any conversation with Noah. The car ride home had been a silent one. Only the sound of her sobs or light snores while she slept could be heard up in the front of car. There was no music playing to drown out the silence.

WEEKS LATER

"So you're not gonna deal with it?" Noah asked Mercedes as he rounded the kitchen walking up behind her with a picture of Josiah in his hands. He had been sitting in their bedroom looking for something when he stumbled upon the photo. At first she didn't notice it in his hands when she had returned from the mall with Santana, Quinn, Kurt and Tina. Since they got back she had continued to ignore him anytime he brought up their son or what happened that night.

"Look, Noah, I have dealt with this, okay? I am dealing with this." She answered not looking at him as she moved about the kitchen looking for something to prepare for dinner. She'd thought about eating while she was out but was aware that she'd have to come home and cook dinner so she opted against it.

"Yeah, well, you haven't talked to me about it." He said softly still hot on her trail.

"So now you want to talk to me the way you did Finn? Now you want to cry your eyes out to me huh?" she rolled her eyes as she settled on meat and a vegetable as she contemplated what exactly she would prepare.

"It's not like you made it easy for me to discuss this. We, we talk about... Josiah like he never existed. Can you look at the picture? Mercedes, please."

"Please put... put it down." she begged as she did her best to keep her eyes off of the picture.

"Can you just look at the picture?" he asked sitting it down on the counter moving closer to her.

"Noah, I didn't know... I didn't know you blamed me for it. I..." she stuttered as she chopped up onions and vegetables while tears began to form.

"OK. I blamed you. I blamed... I'm sorry. OK? I blame myself, too. I blamed God, but... It's no one's fault. Baby, just look at the picture." He tried again, picking the picture back up and handing it to her.

"All right fried tilapia pr baked?" she asked finally looking at him.

"Mercedes, no! Look at the damn picture!" he shouted slamming it down in front of her causing her to jump. He grabbed her arms and tried shoving it in hers. "Mercedes, look at... Stop it! Mercedes, Mercedes..." he fought with her while she struggled to break free.

"Noah, just stop it!"

"Mercedes, just look at the picture."

"Stop with your pretending."

"I'm not..."

"Stop. Would you stop it? You pretend that you love me. Stop with all those lies! I can't take this. You know you hate me. I hate myself for this!" she cried, her resolve finally breaking.

"Mercy, I don't hate you baby. I don't hate you." His voice was soft while he tried to stop her from crying.

"This is my fault! No. Don't touch me!"

"Baby-" she cut him off again.

"NO! Don't touch me. Will you just listen to me for once, please?" she screamed.

"It's not your fault."

"This is my fault. I...I messed up. I was downstairs in the studio. And... I promised I would take him to the park, but I just had one thing left to do, one more song that I needed to fix. I told him he could go out in the front and play with the other kids. I wasn't expecting some fool to be driving drunk and hit him, and now... Now he's dead. I know. I know, baby. I know."

"He's not coming back."

"You know, Noah, I can deal with a lot of things, but this... I'm not strong enough to deal with  
>this, baby."<p>

"Hey, you don't have to be... strong by yourself. Just let me be. Let me be strong for you, Okay? We can make it through. Baby, I'll be there for you. No matter what." he cooed, wrapping his arms protectively around her. Lifting her up so that her legs locked around his waist at her ankles Noah walked her over to the coach and flopped on it while she straddled him. He ran his hand over her head that lay in the crook of his neck as she wept. He placed a kiss to the top of her head and ran his hand up and down her back as he soothed her.

_**Mariah Carey - Bye Bye**_


End file.
